Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Johnny Deppendent & Sharon Stoned


Today’s CM News Roundup (yeah, we know we’ve been off the air for a while) highlights a Yahoo News article (apparently pilfered from AP) that features Dr. Drew Pinksy, “Addictionologist” to the Hollywood glitterazi, who opines in a VH1 TV special that celebrities are very difficult to run through rehab because of the Tinsel Town drug culture and ever-present posse sycophants who enable stars’ dangerous drug habits:

Dr. Drew: Addicted Celebs Need More Time in Rehab

LOS ANGELES - Hollywood has a serious drug problem, and isn't committing the time it takes to fix it, according to Dr. Drew.

Not only are substances plentiful and socially acceptable in most celebrity circles, but stars who seek treatment often opt for abbreviated programs in exclusive environments, Drew Pinsky, host of radio's "Love Line" and VH1's "Celebrity Rehab," told The Associated Press.

Drew, who has studied what draws stars to drugs, presents his findings in the hourlong "VH1 News Presents: Dr. Drew's Celebrity Addiction Special," which airs Tuesday.

"Today, in the celebrity world, we're seeing an addiction epidemic," Pinsky said, adding that the disease of addiction is more deadly than cancer.

"If you had cancer, you would drop everything," he says. "You would take whatever time it needed to do the treatment and do what it takes to get out on the other side. Here's a disease that is more dangerous, and we can't get people to take three months."

These compound challenges give celebrity drug addicts a "bad prognosis," Pinsky told The Associated Press.

"I don't like treating celebrities," he said. "It's not a group I would seek out of a population I would necessarily treat as a separate goal because they're very, very difficult."

Well, Doc Pinsky, excuse us for even daring to disagree, but we here at CM have been chunked out of enough Malibuvian glitter pig soirees we crashed by haughty little men in security uniforms to know that this “fast-lane, all-the-party-people-made-me-do-it” meme is just the same lame line every puffed-up Movieland shrink spouts when shilling for his over-imbibed, under-the-influence narcissistic clientele. We have our own theories, if you don’t mind (and even if you do, thank you very much), so be so kind as to step aside, Herr Dr. Freud.

We here at CM have noticed, even if it escaped you Dr. P, that not only do the Hollywood jet set have big, important movie and TV careers to tend to, but many of the best and brightest (i.e., as in shiny, not by intellect) in addition have a whole world to save and select super-special pet-issues to take care of. That all puts them under a lot of big-time stress, way too much for their immensely creative talents to possibly absorb, so what do they do? They get sloshed, bombed, and stoked up on whatever stuff they can get their famous little fingers on. And who can blame them?

Just you try going out in a leaky boat you left the bilge plug out of (because you really don’t know what the hell you’re doing) to try and save Katrina victims in a hurricane-flooded New Orleans. Make a long-distance run on a pollutant-spewing private jet to play a turgid rock concert under hot lights watched by fewer people than you'd find at a Code Pink full monty, just to please Al Gore by raising “global warming awareness.” Take a shot at threatening to leave the country every time a conservative Republican comes close to winning a major elective office (except maybe for Ahnuld). We’re betting, Doc, that you’d wind up just like them, in a crumpled, vomiting, whining heap on the marble-tiled floors of the Betty Ford Clinic.

Truly, nobody knows the trouble they’ve seen. Why just the other day, we swear we caught a glimpse of the jugular Susan Sarandon and hubby Tim Robbins each shouldering a balsa wood cross spray-painted rainforest green with a wheel on the end, dragging them through an intersection on Rodeo Drive. That’s one helluva way to walk outta the country if you ask us, but when you’re all strung out on good Hollywood-quality dope, well, who knows? But it explains a lot.

Well anyway, Doc, good luck with pounding some industrial-strength sanity into the drug-addled pinheads of the California canyon flick-trash uppercrust. No disrespect meant to young, troubled actors, but If playing a throw-away role like the Joker in a Batman, junior summer seat-warmer is enough to drive one to OD, you’ve really got you’re work cut out for you.

Certainly nothing easy like us ordinary schmucks got it out here in the “other America,” where it’s all Red-Pop and rainbows.


Monday, February 11, 2008

Howie Wows Donks with Rah-Rah Letter

You asked for it, we know, and now here it is.

Be sending our elite team of “plumbers” into the Democratic National Committee headquarters late one evening last week, CM was able to “dirty trick” our way undetected out of that asylum for the politically insane with the original, uncut original version of a “rally-the-troops” letter DNC chairman Howard “The Scream” Dean recently sent out to the great unwashed Donk masses, begging for money and putting down the evil Rethuglikkkans. (OK, we took the real letter off Michel Malkin’s blog (h/t) and doctored it up, but so what. The “plumbers” thing just sounds better.)

Now, in an exclusive expose’ you won’t find anywhere else in the Blogosphere, neither dextrosic or sinestrophic (that’s why it’s an “exclusive,” retards), feast both of your eyes on the following uncensored primordial rants of slobbering Howie Dean to the Dumbocrat faithful:

A reading from Brother Howie’s first campaign letter to the Morons ….Dear Brothers & Sisters in the Jackass:
Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney are done, so we can stick a fork in them. John McCain will be the Republican nominee – and he’s the only one with a reasonable path to the nomination, because … well … because I say so.

So how do we beat him? We stand up, take the weight of our fat worthless minimally employable asses, and pull our heads out of them as well – I mean right now – and start fighting. Not the sissy slap-fight kind of fighting we’re known for but real Steven Segal style Hollywood movie fighting, and show the American people that John McCain is not who they think he is because he is not who we think he is either.

We can’t wait for Hillary or Barack to win the nomination, because like everyone else we’ll have had way more than enough of those two by the time this thing get decided. Now that the evil Republicans have a candidate, the dollars are starting to pour in from special interests who will do anything to beat the Democratic nominee, would take those dollars the right way with a ruthlessly confiscatory federal nominee tax on the GOP rich. They’re just waiting for us to decide so they can start smearing our candidate by saying things about them that have only a mere undeniable basis in fact about their rank incompetence and appalling lack of executive experience running anything. Those no good rotten Republican bastards.

Here’ what U.S. News & World Report recently reported about how the RNC is getting ready to start saying all kinds of audaciously unhopeful things about our candidate …

[RNC Chairman Mike] Duncan and his aides want to be ready to go on the offensive against the Democratic nominee presumptive in an effort to define the opposition candidate on GOP terms. Opposition research is already well along, and the plan is for surrogates to talk to the media around the county while a TV ad campaign in key states and media markets as soon as the nominee is determined.
Can you believe the level of this overt racial hatred or bigoted gender bashing, depending on who winds up our candidate? Of all the underhanded cynical gall! We must be ready to fight back, and fight back hard today, just like we’ve been fighting so very hard 24/7 for our troops to utterly lose the war in Iraq. That’s the kind of fighting I mean – real Democrat style fighting, not that sissy slap-fighting thing I’ve already talked about that people for some reason think we do.

Now that we know our opponent, though we don’t think we think we know who he is like everybody else don’t think they know who he is either, it’s time to build a national effort on programs you and I have worked so hard to create over the last four years – from our cutting edge Al Gore Internet-type technology to our voter protection programs that will keep our voters from being made victims of their own weak minds yet again, and it’s time to shift gears our of the neutral or reverse that we usually try to run in.

I need you to contribute $25, $50, or $100 to help us fight John McCain right now, because $5 or $10 would really buy only that sissy slap-fighting sort of thing that you don’t want people to think you do, so need to send some real bling to this cutting-edge technologically swell web site:

John McCain is a media darling sort of like Homer Simpson, and just like I was back in 2000, but don’t trust his carefully-crafted image – (look what happened when you trusted me) – he’s work for years to brand himself Little Mr. Straight-Talk McMaverick, or some such thing. From Iraq to health car, Social Security to special interest tax cuts to ethics, he’s promising nothing more than a third Bush term, a third term both you and I both know rightfully belongs to Bill Clinton.

After championing campaign finance reform and ethics legislation just to score political points and upset the GOP base, he now has a staggering amount of lobbyists involved in every aspect of his campaign that I as a DNC head even find truly staggering. In fact, two of the top three sources for John McCain’s campaign cash are D.C. lobbying firms, and he looked the other way as Jack Abramoff bought and paid for the Republican Party and the Culture of Corruption. They know that any real candidate would get his or her money from folks like Norman Hsu or Tony Rezko, and you can take that to the bank, so to speak, that our candidate will taken only money like that rather than being a Little Mr. Straight-Talk McMaverick who refuses to take money from the Chinese that give us money.

On immigration reform, he’s run as far to the right as he can, aligning himself with the most extreme elements of the Republican Party. You know, Those elements that want to secure our national borders and have a documented population accountable for all the taxes we want to levy.

On the war, McCain scoffed at Bush’s call to leave troops in Iraq for 50 years, saying “Make it a hundred!”, just to confuse us Democrats who showed in the 2000 election that we can’t count very high, or very accurately for that matter.

On a woman’s right to choose, McCain has vowed to appoint judges who would overturn Roe v. Wade, just like all those other conservative judges appointed by Reagan and Bush I and II that have not hesitated to overturn Roe v. Wade time and time again.

On the economy, on of the issues that the American people care most about, McCain has said: “I know a lot less about economics than I do about military and foreign policy issues. I still need to be educated.” Well, we can’t have someone who admits he is as clueless as we are about economics. I mean, who’s going to print the tax money if it doesn’t fall out of the sky like it usually does?

We can’t afford four more years with a President who drives the economy into the ground like you-know-who did that airplane in an undisclosed secret location somewhere in Pennsylvania on 9/11. We can’t afford four more years with a President who fights an endless war in Iraq, trying to win it when we Democrats don’t want to. We can’t afford four more years with a President who gives tax cuts to companies who ship jobs overseas just to make a profit for their evil Little Eichmann shareholders; with a President who can’t get every American the health care they deserve, because, by gum, they are deserving Americans who as Americans deserve the health care they deserve; with a President we just can’t trust because we have said we can’t trust him all along, and that’s all we really need to say about that, no isn’t it.

I don’t just want to beat John McCain – I want it to be a landslide, just like they have in California sometimes, when all the mud and slime slide down a hillside and bury people in their homes and the government has to bail them out with lots of taxes on the rich. If you’re as committed as I am, and you know how I really need to be committed, I need you to make a contribution today to:

Only the Democratic Party is legally allowed to spend unlimited amounts of money to back our nominee (thanks to Little Mr. McMaverick) and tell the real story about John McCain, but that’s really never stopped us from spending all kinds of illegal money tying to rig elections and commit voter fraud. We proved that our strategy worked in 2006 when even that yellow do we keep around could have beat those stupid, elephant-in-the-headlights Republicans, and it will work again this fall unless they smear us with the truth like they usually do and we don’t come up with another gay GOP rep. hitting on congressional pages that the MSM can help us cover 24/7 up to the election.

Help us today like there in no tomorrow after today:

Let’s get going, before the goings gets good and gone and we get smeared with the truth and look like a bunch of drooling, pathetic Florida donk retards who can’t tell the front end of a voting machine from our own sagging lazy backsides. And you know who bad that feels when I feel that bad too.

Cause that’s when I go AAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!

Yours in the Jackass,

Brother Howie Dean

There you have it. We don’t gotta chance.

Lord Monsoon

Monday, September 10, 2007

"And Now, from Some Cave in Bumf**k Waziristan ... Heeere's Obie!"


Well, as might be expected, since the new Osama bin Laden video has come to light, we here at CM can’t seem to get a word in edgewise, with the MSM and the big-name blogs ragging on it 24/7, to provide some most awesome wicked prescient analysis of our own in our own unique, insightful way. So be it.

But fortunately for you who’ve stumbled into here obviously by mistake, we have obtained (don’t you dare ask how … don’t!) a complete transcript of the full and complete OBL video (not that FBI / CIA / 9-11 Truthers redacted gold anniversary collector’s edition version) that shows “Teh Sheik” as we like to call him here at CM making a bunch of demands on U.S. citizens (beyond that ho-hum thing about immediately becoming followers of Islam) that you may not have heard about.

Oh, you want to know more, huh? OK. Glad you asked. For your exclusive reading enjoyment, from we here at CM, here’s the top-secret left out part “they” did not want you to hear ... or see ... whatever:

Following is a transcript [Ed.’s note: And not that damn Dan Rather faked-up type stuff either]:


All praise be to Allah. People of America, I further will be demanding of you certain things in this rambling endless diatribe that sort of prattles along a lot like the wankers on your Left wing blogs, peace be upon them, so lend me your progressive ears so that you may not suffer the unfortunate repercussions if for some reason I have offended you and you don’t want to give me what I so whimsically desire.

First and foremost, since all of you will undoubtedly be converting to Islam any minute now as I have told you to do, Allah be praised, I want all of the men among you of suitable age to grow a nice, black beard such as mine (which is in no way fake, and death to all who say it is). If your fine Hollywood actor George Clooney can grow such a full, black beard for one of my favorite anti-American, anti-capitalist, anti-well just about everything-Western movies, “Syriana,” well then all other U.S. men can as well. Use what you call the Greecian Formula as needed for that robust “dark” look, even if you are filmed wearing the same old dirty clothes in your own next tirading terrorist propaganda video.

Next, I demand that the one you so mockingly call “Islamic Rage Boy” be given the chief role in your daytime TV ladies nutter show, “The View.” The women on this show, specifically the aging Jewesses Barbara, Whoopi and Joy, shall all wear burkhas from now on, and will speak only when Islamic Rage Boy speaks to them. But the other woman, the young one known as Elisabeth, need not put upon herself the burkha, for she looks just fine as is. She can also speak whenever she wants to Islamic Rage Boy, and argue with him, just so that the show does not get bad ratings for being too dull and boring when the other three women start agreeing with everything Rage Boy says. And Allah knows they will.

Also, Allah has directed that I call upon you to take the evil loud-mouths Rush Limbaugh and his infidel co-conspirator Sean Hannity off the daytime radio air, and replace both their shows, for six hours a day or more, with the ranting and ravings of the one you call Adam Yahiye “Yahoo” Gadahn, or more MTV hip-like, “Azzam the American.” Allah knows he is not your Keith Olbermann, but as he is here, so here he must do. He will lead you in various rails at the sky, two-minutes hate now that your Al Franken is off the air, mind-numbing Muslim prayer sessions, and try to sell you all a piece of the “magic meteor” from Mecca for only $19.95 plus shipping and handling.

But wait! ... Lest you think Allah and I will let you off so easy, we also command the infidel people of the United States to begin listening fervently and only to your Democrat politicians, liberal actors and musicians, and the fine American supporters of Islamist terrorism on the Left wing blogs. How many times do they have to tell you that your bumper-sticker so-called war on terror is lost, that your soldiers are cold-blooded illiterate killers who are too stupid to hold down other jobs, and that you should flee Iraq and Afghanistan NOW with your infidel tail between your legs, before you get their cowardly surrender-monkey message. Where do you think I got the divine inspiration for this fine collection of uninspired nonsense. Listen to them, I say! Don’t make me come over there … and I will!

And, for Allah sakes alive, please, can’t somebody over there do something about that bunch of infidel nutcases that call themselves the 9/11 Truthers. How many times do I have to get up and admit in front of Allah, everybody and a video camera, that I … ME … ME and 19 OTHERS … WE planned and carried out 9/11 all by ourselves. With hijacked airplanes … no missiles. And NOT with any help from that stupid lying of the Great Satan Bush with his Azzam the Goat book, nor his neocon cabal of Cheney and Rumsfeld. When are some chattering little crazy people with apparently nothing better to do than sit in their American basements in their flame-retarded pajamas finally going to get a life and give the big Jihadist devil his due? Sheesh. Fire doesn’t melt steel, my most weary ass.

Last of all, I mandate that you, all of you one and all, must listen with blind reverence and mindless devotion to the American prophet who flies the big large CO2-emitting jet aircraft, the one who calls himself Al Gore, and his ominous warnings to you all of the cataclysmic global warming that will tragically befall your capitalistic infidel free society. For if you do not, you will plow and sow the sea when it has risen over all your Hollywood mansions and Breck Girl big houses and you will fail to harvest nothing but drunken Senators and drug-addled gay surfers. And besides, it’s getting really hot in this Waziristan cave I’m holed up in, so I could use some natural AC for a change.

Well, that is it. These are my demands of you, America. Allah’s peace be upon you. I will be here all week … and probably a lot longer if you don’t start listening to the liberal Democrats like I've told you. Please remember to tip your under-aged slave girls and be careful driving your camel home since you appear to have made yourself vilely drunken to excess on the devil’s swill .. and remember all those demands.

Don’t make me come over there …!

Lord Monsoon

Friday, October 20, 2006

Putin Foot in Mouth


Not to be outdone by past Russian leaders' comic turns (raucous shoe-beatin' Khrushchev, goofy wine stain-headed Gorbachev), former KGB head Vladimir Putin recently poked light-hearted fun at the sitting Israeli president's indictment on rape and sexual assault charges. If you still believe the Associated Press, then here it is:

MOSCOW -- President Vladimir Putin made joking references to the sexual assault accusations against Israeli President Moshe Katsav during a meeting with the visiting Israeli prime minister in remarks that shocked longtime Kremlin-watchers.

A Kremlin spokesman said Friday that Putin's meaning had been lost in translation from Russian to English.

As Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert met with the Russian leader in an ornate reception room in the Kremlin on Wednesday, reporters overheard Putin tell him: "Say hello to your president. He really surprised us."

The microphones were then cut off, but a member of the Israeli delegation told The Associated Press that Putin went on to say of Katsav: "I met him. He didn't look like a guy who could be with 10 women."

The Israeli ambassador quipped, "It seems like he's envious of him," and Olmert told his host: "I wouldn't envy him," said the official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak with the press.

Russia's Kommersant daily conveyed a more graphic version of the conversation, quoting Putin as saying: "He turns out to be a really powerful guy! He raped 10 women!" It also quoted Putin himself as saying "We all envy him."

Earlier this week, Israeli police recommended that Katsav be charged with rape, aggravated sexual assault and misconduct after women who once worked for him filed complaints. The 60-year-old has denied any wrongdoing but the scandal has rocked Israel and sparked calls for his resignation from the largely ceremonial post.

In its story on the Putin-Katsav meeting, Kommersant commented incredulously: "This was one of those moments when you just can't believe your ears."

Putin has made coarse references before in some of his public remarks.

Early on in his presidency, Putin called for "wiping out Chechen rebels in the outhouse."

He once suggested that a French reporter who had posed an uncomfortable question about abuses against civilians in Chechnya should travel to Russia for a circumcision. "I would recommend that he who does the surgery does it so you'll have nothing growing back, afterward," Putin said.

In June, foreign news executives were taken aback when Putin hit back at a question about whether Russia would favor sanctions against Iran if it failed to stop enriching uranium.

"What if my grandmother had certain sexual attributes?" he snapped, dismissing the question as merely rhetorical. "Then she would be my grandfather."

Told of Putin's statements and asked by CM to comment thereon, Putin's grandmother, Mrs. Olga Putin, stated, "Tell shiftless little bastard if I were the grandfather, I not the one to get nehzc cut in some Chechnyan outhouse. Then we see who laughs now that would not then laugh." A Kremlin spokesman said Mrs. Olga's statements had been lost in translation from broken English to Russian.

Lord Monsoon