You asked for it, we know, and now here it is.
Be sending our elite team of “plumbers” into the Democratic National Committee headquarters late one evening last week, CM was able to “dirty trick” our way undetected out of that asylum for the politically insane with the original, uncut original version of a “rally-the-troops” letter DNC chairman Howard “The Scream” Dean recently sent out to the great unwashed Donk masses, begging for money and putting down the evil Rethuglikkkans. (OK, we took the real letter off Michel Malkin’s blog (h/t) and doctored it up, but so what. The “plumbers” thing just sounds better.)
Now, in an exclusive expose’ you won’t find anywhere else in the Blogosphere, neither dextrosic or sinestrophic (that’s why it’s an “exclusive,” retards), feast both of your eyes on the following uncensored primordial rants of slobbering Howie Dean to the Dumbocrat faithful:
A reading from Brother Howie’s first campaign letter to the Morons ….Dear Brothers & Sisters in the Jackass:
Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney are done, so we can stick a fork in them. John McCain will be the Republican nominee – and he’s the only one with a reasonable path to the nomination, because … well … because I say so.
So how do we beat him? We stand up, take the weight of our fat worthless minimally employable asses, and pull our heads out of them as well – I mean right now – and start fighting. Not the sissy slap-fight kind of fighting we’re known for but real Steven Segal style Hollywood movie fighting, and show the American people that John McCain is not who they think he is because he is not who we think he is either.
We can’t wait for Hillary or Barack to win the nomination, because like everyone else we’ll have had way more than enough of those two by the time this thing get decided. Now that the evil Republicans have a candidate, the dollars are starting to pour in from special interests who will do anything to beat the Democratic nominee, would take those dollars the right way with a ruthlessly confiscatory federal nominee tax on the GOP rich. They’re just waiting for us to decide so they can start smearing our candidate by saying things about them that have only a mere undeniable basis in fact about their rank incompetence and appalling lack of executive experience running anything. Those no good rotten Republican bastards.
Here’ what U.S. News & World Report recently reported about how the RNC is getting ready to start saying all kinds of audaciously unhopeful things about our candidate …
[RNC Chairman Mike] Duncan and his aides want to be ready to go on the offensive against the Democratic nominee presumptive in an effort to define the opposition candidate on GOP terms. Opposition research is already well along, and the plan is for surrogates to talk to the media around the county while a TV ad campaign in key states and media markets as soon as the nominee is determined.
Can you believe the level of this overt racial hatred or bigoted gender bashing, depending on who winds up our candidate? Of all the underhanded cynical gall! We must be ready to fight back, and fight back hard today, just like we’ve been fighting so very hard 24/7 for our troops to utterly lose the war in Iraq. That’s the kind of fighting I mean – real Democrat style fighting, not that sissy slap-fighting thing I’ve already talked about that people for some reason think we do.
Now that we know our opponent, though we don’t think we think we know who he is like everybody else don’t think they know who he is either, it’s time to build a national effort on programs you and I have worked so hard to create over the last four years – from our cutting edge Al Gore Internet-type technology to our voter protection programs that will keep our voters from being made victims of their own weak minds yet again, and it’s time to shift gears our of the neutral or reverse that we usually try to run in.
I need you to contribute $25, $50, or $100 to help us fight John McCain right now, because $5 or $10 would really buy only that sissy slap-fighting sort of thing that you don’t want people to think you do, so need to send some real bling to this cutting-edge technologically swell web site:
John McCain is a media darling sort of like Homer Simpson, and just like I was back in 2000, but don’t trust his carefully-crafted image – (look what happened when you trusted me) – he’s work for years to brand himself Little Mr. Straight-Talk McMaverick, or some such thing. From Iraq to health car, Social Security to special interest tax cuts to ethics, he’s promising nothing more than a third Bush term, a third term both you and I both know rightfully belongs to Bill Clinton.
After championing campaign finance reform and ethics legislation just to score political points and upset the GOP base, he now has a staggering amount of lobbyists involved in every aspect of his campaign that I as a DNC head even find truly staggering. In fact, two of the top three sources for John McCain’s campaign cash are D.C. lobbying firms, and he looked the other way as Jack Abramoff bought and paid for the Republican Party and the Culture of Corruption. They know that any real candidate would get his or her money from folks like Norman Hsu or Tony Rezko, and you can take that to the bank, so to speak, that our candidate will taken only money like that rather than being a Little Mr. Straight-Talk McMaverick who refuses to take money from the Chinese that give us money.
On immigration reform, he’s run as far to the right as he can, aligning himself with the most extreme elements of the Republican Party. You know, Those elements that want to secure our national borders and have a documented population accountable for all the taxes we want to levy.
On the war, McCain scoffed at Bush’s call to leave troops in Iraq for 50 years, saying “Make it a hundred!”, just to confuse us Democrats who showed in the 2000 election that we can’t count very high, or very accurately for that matter.
On a woman’s right to choose, McCain has vowed to appoint judges who would overturn Roe v. Wade, just like all those other conservative judges appointed by Reagan and Bush I and II that have not hesitated to overturn Roe v. Wade time and time again.
On the economy, on of the issues that the American people care most about, McCain has said: “I know a lot less about economics than I do about military and foreign policy issues. I still need to be educated.” Well, we can’t have someone who admits he is as clueless as we are about economics. I mean, who’s going to print the tax money if it doesn’t fall out of the sky like it usually does?
We can’t afford four more years with a President who drives the economy into the ground like you-know-who did that airplane in an undisclosed secret location somewhere in Pennsylvania on 9/11. We can’t afford four more years with a President who fights an endless war in Iraq, trying to win it when we Democrats don’t want to. We can’t afford four more years with a President who gives tax cuts to companies who ship jobs overseas just to make a profit for their evil Little Eichmann shareholders; with a President who can’t get every American the health care they deserve, because, by gum, they are deserving Americans who as Americans deserve the health care they deserve; with a President we just can’t trust because we have said we can’t trust him all along, and that’s all we really need to say about that, no isn’t it.
I don’t just want to beat John McCain – I want it to be a landslide, just like they have in California sometimes, when all the mud and slime slide down a hillside and bury people in their homes and the government has to bail them out with lots of taxes on the rich. If you’re as committed as I am, and you know how I really need to be committed, I need you to make a contribution today to:
Only the Democratic Party is legally allowed to spend unlimited amounts of money to back our nominee (thanks to Little Mr. McMaverick) and tell the real story about John McCain, but that’s really never stopped us from spending all kinds of illegal money tying to rig elections and commit voter fraud. We proved that our strategy worked in 2006 when even that yellow do we keep around could have beat those stupid, elephant-in-the-headlights Republicans, and it will work again this fall unless they smear us with the truth like they usually do and we don’t come up with another gay GOP rep. hitting on congressional pages that the MSM can help us cover 24/7 up to the election.
Help us today like there in no tomorrow after today:
Let’s get going, before the goings gets good and gone and we get smeared with the truth and look like a bunch of drooling, pathetic Florida donk retards who can’t tell the front end of a voting machine from our own sagging lazy backsides. And you know who bad that feels when I feel that bad too.
Cause that’s when I go AAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!
Yours in the Jackass,
Brother Howie Dean
There you have it. We don’t gotta chance.