Monday, September 10, 2007

"And Now, from Some Cave in Bumf**k Waziristan ... Heeere's Obie!"


Well, as might be expected, since the new Osama bin Laden video has come to light, we here at CM can’t seem to get a word in edgewise, with the MSM and the big-name blogs ragging on it 24/7, to provide some most awesome wicked prescient analysis of our own in our own unique, insightful way. So be it.

But fortunately for you who’ve stumbled into here obviously by mistake, we have obtained (don’t you dare ask how … don’t!) a complete transcript of the full and complete OBL video (not that FBI / CIA / 9-11 Truthers redacted gold anniversary collector’s edition version) that shows “Teh Sheik” as we like to call him here at CM making a bunch of demands on U.S. citizens (beyond that ho-hum thing about immediately becoming followers of Islam) that you may not have heard about.

Oh, you want to know more, huh? OK. Glad you asked. For your exclusive reading enjoyment, from we here at CM, here’s the top-secret left out part “they” did not want you to hear ... or see ... whatever:

Following is a transcript [Ed.’s note: And not that damn Dan Rather faked-up type stuff either]:


All praise be to Allah. People of America, I further will be demanding of you certain things in this rambling endless diatribe that sort of prattles along a lot like the wankers on your Left wing blogs, peace be upon them, so lend me your progressive ears so that you may not suffer the unfortunate repercussions if for some reason I have offended you and you don’t want to give me what I so whimsically desire.

First and foremost, since all of you will undoubtedly be converting to Islam any minute now as I have told you to do, Allah be praised, I want all of the men among you of suitable age to grow a nice, black beard such as mine (which is in no way fake, and death to all who say it is). If your fine Hollywood actor George Clooney can grow such a full, black beard for one of my favorite anti-American, anti-capitalist, anti-well just about everything-Western movies, “Syriana,” well then all other U.S. men can as well. Use what you call the Greecian Formula as needed for that robust “dark” look, even if you are filmed wearing the same old dirty clothes in your own next tirading terrorist propaganda video.

Next, I demand that the one you so mockingly call “Islamic Rage Boy” be given the chief role in your daytime TV ladies nutter show, “The View.” The women on this show, specifically the aging Jewesses Barbara, Whoopi and Joy, shall all wear burkhas from now on, and will speak only when Islamic Rage Boy speaks to them. But the other woman, the young one known as Elisabeth, need not put upon herself the burkha, for she looks just fine as is. She can also speak whenever she wants to Islamic Rage Boy, and argue with him, just so that the show does not get bad ratings for being too dull and boring when the other three women start agreeing with everything Rage Boy says. And Allah knows they will.

Also, Allah has directed that I call upon you to take the evil loud-mouths Rush Limbaugh and his infidel co-conspirator Sean Hannity off the daytime radio air, and replace both their shows, for six hours a day or more, with the ranting and ravings of the one you call Adam Yahiye “Yahoo” Gadahn, or more MTV hip-like, “Azzam the American.” Allah knows he is not your Keith Olbermann, but as he is here, so here he must do. He will lead you in various rails at the sky, two-minutes hate now that your Al Franken is off the air, mind-numbing Muslim prayer sessions, and try to sell you all a piece of the “magic meteor” from Mecca for only $19.95 plus shipping and handling.

But wait! ... Lest you think Allah and I will let you off so easy, we also command the infidel people of the United States to begin listening fervently and only to your Democrat politicians, liberal actors and musicians, and the fine American supporters of Islamist terrorism on the Left wing blogs. How many times do they have to tell you that your bumper-sticker so-called war on terror is lost, that your soldiers are cold-blooded illiterate killers who are too stupid to hold down other jobs, and that you should flee Iraq and Afghanistan NOW with your infidel tail between your legs, before you get their cowardly surrender-monkey message. Where do you think I got the divine inspiration for this fine collection of uninspired nonsense. Listen to them, I say! Don’t make me come over there … and I will!

And, for Allah sakes alive, please, can’t somebody over there do something about that bunch of infidel nutcases that call themselves the 9/11 Truthers. How many times do I have to get up and admit in front of Allah, everybody and a video camera, that I … ME … ME and 19 OTHERS … WE planned and carried out 9/11 all by ourselves. With hijacked airplanes … no missiles. And NOT with any help from that stupid lying of the Great Satan Bush with his Azzam the Goat book, nor his neocon cabal of Cheney and Rumsfeld. When are some chattering little crazy people with apparently nothing better to do than sit in their American basements in their flame-retarded pajamas finally going to get a life and give the big Jihadist devil his due? Sheesh. Fire doesn’t melt steel, my most weary ass.

Last of all, I mandate that you, all of you one and all, must listen with blind reverence and mindless devotion to the American prophet who flies the big large CO2-emitting jet aircraft, the one who calls himself Al Gore, and his ominous warnings to you all of the cataclysmic global warming that will tragically befall your capitalistic infidel free society. For if you do not, you will plow and sow the sea when it has risen over all your Hollywood mansions and Breck Girl big houses and you will fail to harvest nothing but drunken Senators and drug-addled gay surfers. And besides, it’s getting really hot in this Waziristan cave I’m holed up in, so I could use some natural AC for a change.

Well, that is it. These are my demands of you, America. Allah’s peace be upon you. I will be here all week … and probably a lot longer if you don’t start listening to the liberal Democrats like I've told you. Please remember to tip your under-aged slave girls and be careful driving your camel home since you appear to have made yourself vilely drunken to excess on the devil’s swill .. and remember all those demands.

Don’t make me come over there …!

Lord Monsoon